The holidays can be a magical time of the year. Your kids might be coming home for a visit, work might be slowing down so you can take a little time off, and you’re looking forward to seeing friends at cookie exchanges and holiday parties.
But the holiday season isn’t without its stressful moments as well – especially if you’re balancing your own family with aging parents.
Because you might be getting together after an extended period away from each other, this could be a good time to evaluate how your parents are doing. However, it’s best to go into this with a game plan.
First, Get Your Siblings on Board
Before the holiday mayhem begins, try to make an appointment to talk to your siblings together so you all have a moment to voice any concerns that you have. Your sister might have seen your mom three months ago and noticed her driving wasn’t great. Your brother might have been trying to golf with your dad and has noticed he keeps putting it off and that’s a red flag.
Getting together and sharing your concerns can go a long way in creating a unified approach. It’s also an opportunity to address any challenges you may have before you see your parents; after all, siblings can have different perspectives or priorities.
Create an Agenda
Yes, we know this is starting to sound like a business meeting, but it’s really the best way to make sure you cover all of your points in an efficient way so you’re not on Zoom for three hours. Here are some things you might want to address:
- Health concerns and care needs: Does someone have information about their doctors? Anyone know what medications they’re on? Has anyone talked to them about long-term planning?
- Financial matters: Have they shared with anyone their expenses and/or retirement accounts? Do we know where their estate planning documents are? Does anyone know about their insurance policies?
- Daily living and safety: Who has driven with Mom and Dad lately? Are they getting out and socializing enough? Should we start looking into any modifications to their home to make things safer?
Getting Information from Mom and Dad
Once you’ve had this pre-meeting, you’re now ready to evaluate what’s going on with your parents when you’re together for the holidays. This is your chance to see if anything needs to be done immediately or if ongoing check-ins are all that’s needed.
But how do you “evaluate” your parents without them feeling like you’re being intrusive?
When clients come into my office, we often begin by talking about how things are going in general and I’m always amazed at the information I can get by just asking some general questions. For example, if I ask how things are going with their family and they happen to mention they just had a major falling out with their brother, I might want to follow up and ask if they need to change a beneficiary in their estate plan.
Here are some questions you can ask your parents without seeming too “in their business”:
- Do you have any travel plans this year? This speaks to how much they’re willing to get out and about. If they’ve always traveled and suddenly they’re not it could be because of finances or health-related issues.
- How’s your book club (or other activity they enjoy)? If they’re not going anymore this could speak to mobility issues or maybe cognitive decline. Social isolation can be a big problem as we age so it’s something to look out for.
- Do you have any new recipes you’ve tried lately that you recommend? Declining food quality, trouble cooking, or limited variety may indicate health concerns, mobility issues, or financial stress.
- Are you still thinking about remodeling the kitchen next year? Asking about home maintenance projects indirectly reveals if they’re keeping up with their environment. If chores are becoming overwhelming or costly, it may point to physical limitations or financial pressure.
Follow Up
If you’re like me, you’re likely getting into the time of life when monitoring your parents is not a one-and-done thing. After you’ve all gotten together, talk to your siblings about what they’ve seen and if any action needs to be taken now. Also, come up with a regular “review” plan: do we need to talk about Mom and Dad every month or is this more of a quarterly thing? Come up with your “benchmarks” to compare how they’re doing now and then six months from now.
Pay attention to how you delegate tasks as well. One sibling might be better at the paperwork side of things while another has a more flexible schedule to go to your parents’ house and check in. Try not to put all the pressure on the one sibling who lives the closest – make sure that everyone is participating and use everyone’s strengths.
Starting these conversations now can alleviate stress, build stronger family bonds, and help ensure that your parents’ needs are met effectively. Plus, it allows you to focus on enjoying the holidays together, knowing that everyone is on the same page!